It always begins the same. New locations new surroundings, but it always starts with white fire. And always, when the flame crackles down, I have no idea where I am. It’s just like some lame ’90’s cartoon–the story of a gamer, trapped on the internet! I never expected it to happen to me, teh_Bast4rd_LeRoi! If I ever find that sonovabitch LOLTroll I’m gonna–
What am I gonna do. He is obviously some kinda leet wizard. And me? Pwned like a n00b.
Feh! Anyway, so since I’ve been stuck down in the|\|etwerx, I have been zapped uncontrollably from place to place like some kinda virtual super-ball! Still I can usually get a clue where I am from signage or signature design elements. If I end up near users, I can usually get information by eaves-dropping or reading over their shoulders, so to speak. Still, this adventure has been rough. It nearly broke me, to be honest. I mean, I didn’t ask for any of this. Can I hack it?
Well it was just the other day that I found myself in the midst of what seemed to be a village. It was the strangest thing I have ever seen, full of Little cottages of all different kinds. Some were thatched roof Elizabethans with the top floor larger than the bottom. Some were after a Mediterranean style with terracotta roof tiles. There were Colonial buildings and Edwardian period houses, flat topped Middle East and buildings like pagodas–houses of all kinds crammed in clumps and tiny neighborhoods together with shops and carnival games. It was the very idea of a village–a madman’s idea. Over the shops, and many of the houses, there were signs with electric lights flashing and humming. There was animation and neon, and out of place digitized shadows. Light seemed to come from everywhere, and from nowhere – – from over here and over there at the same time.
All up and down the roads, there were robot postmen zipping to and fro. Some walked on two feet, some zipped along on two wheels, and some even floated on magnetic clouds covering along the circuit-board-infused roads. And that’s when I spotted it, Instead of an eagle, these postman were emblazoned with the tuna logo of the Wahoo! Internet Group.
That’s how I knew where I was. I remembered reading an article in Wired about Wahoo! getting rid of traditional mail servers, and moving to a new series of integrated, wet-ware, A.I.-driven compiling machines, to combine the of their web search, custom browser, Email, and social networking apps. I realized, that’s what I’m seeing from the inside. I’m in a Wahoo! Community “Village Server!”
This might be it, I thought. This might be everything I need-How to send a message to the world outside, maybe get some help and get away from this place. I’ll admit, I was panicked. I needed a gleam of hope. I needed a win, after weeks of aimless wandering, of no real contact with others—and after the nonsense in that chat-room, a was desperate to try anything.
I walked toward the mass of buzzing bots, and tried to get their attention. I hoop and holler and danced. About. “Acknowledge me, you tin retards,” I yelled, and more; But I got no response.
I slump to the ground there on the sidewalk, Feeling about as dejected and hopeless as I can ever imagine I remember. Was there even a point to all of this, I asked myself; or was there an internet equivalent to liquor.
In the. Middle of this, I felt a nudge—ah, man! I can feel it starting, another flash. I will try to get back her and finish the story!
LOLTroll (9/9/05 @23:58:09): “And me? Pwned like a n00b.” He’s not wrong.
teh_Bast4rd_LeRoi (9/10/05 @12:05:59): Hey! Get off of my LymeJournal, you dillweed! Do you have any idea how hard it was to get back here? I don’t even know how long I will be here before a flash-zap and I am gone; and I am just trying to get word to my fam that I am not dead.
Is he gone? What a dick.
(collage by Rhys with apologies to Van Gogh, Hopper, and Lee; and thanks to the Rhys boys)